Who am I?

What am I?

I’ll start with answering the easier of those two questions.  What am I?  What roles do I fill?  I am a wife, a mother, a family member and a friend.  My circle is small because I would much rather be hanging out with Tim and the boys, or curled up on my couch reading a book, than doing anything social.  Loving the people of this world and my ideas of social justice are helping push me out my front door.  My inner hermit and hippy are always at war.  I want to feed all the hungry people and read to all the lonely kids; I just wish I could do it from my couch with my family surrounding me.

I am a feminist, so is my husband.  He’s one of a kind.  We are a team and I have no idea how I lucked out getting to marry him.  Yes, I throw like a girl and if you try to take that extra base when I have the ball in left field, your ass is out at home.

I am a baseball coach, a chauffeur, a keeper/organizer/promoter of all things Pell.  I am a natural born literalist who is discovering the art and ingenuity of sarcasm.  I am a writer.  I never thought I would ever, EVER, write those words.  Yet here I am and here you sit, reading words that flew from my brain and out through my fingers onto the keyboard.

This leads me to answer who I am.  I have no freaking idea.  Through writing, magic happens and I am able to discover a little more each day.  My brain is pretty messed up.  The more I write, the healthier I feel.  I am an up and down kind of person.  I don’t often spend much time in the middle and I’m okay with that.  The lows are not fun, but they make the highs that much better.  I don’t want to numb or displace the down times because I know that will cheapen and lessen the elevated periods in my life.

By reading other authors’ creations, I have been able to see the art and beauty of self discovery and telling their truths.  Sometimes they paint a picture with words that ends up seeping into the deepest darkest part of my soul.  Their words have lifted me out of the cloud and helped me understand that I’m not alone in my brain sabotage.

I write to discover me.  I write to organize my jumbled thoughts and to discover the beauty in the ups and downs of every day life.  I write so the boys will have something to look back on.  I want them to see the mom who was honest and didn’t cover everything over with sunshine and rainbows.  Life will be both easy and hard for them.  I want them to know that it’s normal.

I also write for community.  As I tell my own story in seeking out honesty and health, I realize others are there with me.  Not everyone has life figured out and sometimes it’s extremely difficult.  The “me too’s” keep my head above water.  Even if we are not all in the same place or hold the same beliefs, the discussion that follows is invaluable.

I want to be the heroine in my own life.  I want you to be the same in yours.

Pell Yeah!

Photo courtesy Leaving a Mark Photography