Today is a one step in front of the other kind of day. Yesterday was a struggle to get off the couch day. There is progress being made, I know, but it still doesn’t feel like it.
Things have snowballed lately. The good mixed with the hard. We went along with Tim on his European business trip. Then some of our besties came up to visit. We buried my grandmother. The woman who I always saw as our quiet matriarch. As we ended another successful baseball season, I got asked to coach the summer All-Star team. Then vacation ended, our friends flew home and we went back to normal life, knowing they would be states away and months would go by before we saw them again. Summer is looming and our daily life will look different. Jack’s birthday was a month ago and I haven’t even planned his party yet. We need another car and I hate car shopping.
When the positive stuff gets mixed in with the hard situations, it all seems overwhelming. I have a hard time compartmentalizing and I tend to overgeneralize so much so that I cannot pick out and appreciate the good. The responsibilities and to-do lists pile up for even the positive happenings and those begin to turn negative in my mind.
The other day I was thinking of how magical it would be to go live off the grid, on some farm by a lake or river. But then I realized that I would get so tired of wearing my hippy clothes after a few weeks and would begin to salivate at the thought of ordering a pizza. There would be gardens to weed and grass to mow and my simple chic cabin to repair. I threw my magical dream aside and consoled myself with the ease of online shopping. Off-trail hippy dreams are so exhausting.
Yesterday I tried to do some of the things I know help in times like these. I sent off some one liner prayers and meditations that St. Annie likes. Help, please. Thanks. Then I opened up my bible and read about how we are all in this together. There is no us and them, it’s just us.
But today I did the same thing and read about how there is us and them. I got mad and sent off some more simple prayers. Why? I don’t get it. I thought we are all in the same family. The whole, us versus them thing hasn’t quite worked out in all of history. So contradictory and off-message.
I took more baby steps, in hopes of jumping out of the hole. I folded some laundry and made breakfast. I went for a run, following the boys as they rode their bikes to school. I waved and yelled, “I love you!” as they waved back and pretended they didn’t hear that last part in front of their friends. They’ve got to keep up appearances, I know that.
Today I am going to keep moving. Keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. It won’t always be like this. I won’t always feel like this. Tomorrow might be better or worse, but all I can accomplish is that next step.
For now, that next step will be to hit publish. I might try to edit this a bit, but that will probably be too much for today, just a heads up.