What is my passion? How is my worth measured?
RIght now, my passion lies in setting the scene. I want to be able to set the scene for Tim, Luke and Jack. I want to put all my energy into being a wife and a mother. I’ve also recently discovered I love writing, hence the frequency of these posts.
I’m a simple person and I don’t like a million things going on at the same time. For some reason it muddles my brain and I can’t function 100 percent in the things I really want to do. For some, it works and they need all those things going on. All the responsibilities and activities make them more of a whole person and I wouldn’t want it any other way for them. For me, it doesn’t work like that. When I have too much on my plate, I become less. I am less effective in everything I do. I hate that.
When I was in my early 20’s my passion was teaching. That was what I wanted to do. I was good at it and I loved it. I tried going back to work a few times. I tried subbing a few days a week when the boys were little and then when Jack went to Kindergarten, I tried full time teaching again. I am a damn good wife and mom and I rock the whole teaching thing, but I completely sucked at all those things when I tried to do them simultaneously. I became a shadow of my self and I couldn’t mother or teach or partner well at all. I am also part hemit so the mere fact that I had to be out of the house for long periods of the day while constantly interacting with human beings gave me horrible stress headaches.
Now that I am a stay at home mom with kids in school full time, I feel like the outside world doesn’t think I do enough. I know I’m hypersensitive about this and the people who matter in my life would never say that. I know that my worth is not measured by how much money I bring into our family or how many tangible products I come up with. I know that I am extremely lucky to be in this position and I should just stop complaining already. I know that life has worked out in ways that give me this choice and I should be grateful for my situation. I know all of these things with my head but sometimes my heart doesn’t get the message. When my soul gets down about this I tend to think I need to add responsibilities and duties. I know full well this doesn’t work but my overarching need to please all the people wins out.
I also suck at being a quick processor. My brain works slowly and processes things over the course of days and weeks. This along with the propensity for people pleasing is a horrible combination. When put on the spot, I always say yes because for one, my brain can’t think of any other answer at the time and two, it will make the asker happy. My aunt once told me that it was liberating when she realized that, “No.” is a complete sentence. No explanation or justification is needed. Just, No. There. Done. I’ve also heard that an automatic, “Let me think on it and get back to you.” is great. I’m trying to put both of those into practice but it’s really hard. If I can learn to accommodate my slower processing I can probably keep my people pleasing in check.
The first trick is identifying what I really want in life right now. Then comes how to get there and stay there. That’s where I have been sucking it up lately. I know what I want in life, I want to be a great wife and mother. I also really like writing here. So, setting the scene for Tim and the boys and then also playing an active part in this life we are all sharing. And also, making time for myself to write. I really like it and it’s so therapeutic. I get to connect with all of you, some of whom are in my same position and others who are kindred spirits.
Another thing I think that is really important for me is to leave time and space just in case a new passion comes along. If my brain and schedule are muddled with things I don’t want to do and don’t align with my main life goals, that space disappears. I won’t ever have time to even consider taking on something new. In that quiet place I’ll either know that things need to stay the same or if something is begging for a change.
How about you. What are your passions/goals/necessities in life right now? How do you keep them at the forefront without letting other things wiggle their way in? How the heck do you say no and push away the guilt that comes along with it? Seriously, I need to know because some days I feel like my heart will explode with the weight of that guilt.