My soul is depleted.
My brain is fuzzy and my sight is blurry on the edges.
It always goes like this when he’s gone.
The sounds around me are too loud.
My already thin skin becomes like paper.
I turn on the fire and layer up.
It’s cold when he’s gone.
Everybody talks too much.
I only want to hear his voice.
I need the quiet, but then I want him to fill it.
The nausea comes and I want to hide under a heavy blanket.
He needs to come home already.
I’m dying over here.
We are nearing the end of Tim’s six week business travel schedule. Luckily, he’s been able to come home on the weekends, but it hasn’t been enough.
I need him around always and forever. I get really low and depressed when he’s gone. I end up feeling physically sick and I wander around in a daze. Of course, I put on a smile and brave face for the boys. They miss him almost as much as I do. I’m honest with them about missing him, but I don’t let myself stay in bed all day like I feel like doing. We go through all the normal motions, lunches packed, school drop off, chores, baseball practice and all the other regular stuff. But it’s not the same. We need him here with us.
I’ve written before about being depressed and how it cycles around here and there. I also don’t mind it; it’s part of who I am. Recently, I’m discovering that I’m proud of my sensitivity. This essay said it much better than I ever could, but my propensity for ups and downs is a strength. Yes, it can be a curse at times when I get steamrolled and taken over by emotions. I’m not broken though; there is nothing to fix. I’m working on reigning in the sensitivity super power, but I want to keep it there. I want to ride the highs and lows proudly.
Even more importantly, I want to miss Tim terribly when he’s gone. He is my life breath and I die when his absence overwhelms. We are partners in our little life so I SHOULD feel it when half of me is missing. I GET to have my one and only be someone whose void feels like a black hole. I’ll take the depression if I get to have him. I’ll take the lows if I know he’ll come home soon to lift me out. Until then, I’ll be waiting here, suffering and feeling like everything is just too much.